CRAPTOWN, PA — A local satirist has lost $10 betting on President Trump’s death by COVID-19 complications, sources close to the satirist say.
“I really thought Orange Hitler was going to kick the bucket,” he said in a tweet this afternoon.
He had bet a person, who wishes to remain nameless, $5 that the president was going to go back to the hospital before Election Day and $5 that the President was going to expire. The other better bet $5 against each of his hypotheses.
“I knew it was easy money the second he called me to place the bet,” the other better said in a phone interview this morning. “This was easier than the time he bet $25 that the Yankees were going to win the Super Bowl.”
Government officials have yet to clarify whether the satirist’s bet should be considered an act of treason or patriotism. Conservatives and Police State Apologists in his hometown have begun burning $10 bills in effigy of his bet.
Correction: In an earlier version of this story, the satirist called the COVID deaths of those who refused to wear masks or practice social distancing, “suicides by stupidity.” The quote has been removed from the story for fear of conservatives latching onto it like the 2016 “Deplorables” comment and making getting COVID a patriotic act.
Editor’s Note: The article you just read was, of course, a piece of satire. As Dan Dellechiaie’s editor I must include this note at the end of every article because people lack common sense, a sense of humor, and a fashion sense and could sue Mr. Dellechiaie for telling fictional truths about them. Send all death threats, character assassinations, and love letters to 10 Dropdead Avenue, Apt. #GFY Topeka, Kansas 00000.