Fall 2020 Repost: Cthulhu Hits Snooze Button on Reawakening, Will Awaken When He’s Not the Fourth Most Terrifying Thing Threatening the Existence of the Human Race

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Servants for Destroyer of the Universe Cthulhu told reporters Sunday morning that he has delayed his reawakening until after the COVID-19 pandemic.

“The throdog ehye cthulhu ah’hri cahf hai ah nafl yar l’ emerge hup h’ y’nahh long slumber llll h’ worries cahf h’ ephainafl strike cosmic ah’lloigshogg ng lloigshogg h’ craves ph’nglui gn’bthnknythh ot shuggothh due l’ mgahehyee forces bent llll chtenff’s mgehye already ph’nglui play,” said Cthulhu Spokesperson and Train Station Preacher Jamal Evans.

[Translation for the readers that do not speak R’Lyehian: “The Great One Cthulhu believes that now is not the time to emerge from his centuries long slumber for he worries that he will not strike the cosmic fear and horror he craves into the hearts of the humans due to the other forces bent on society’s destruction already in play.”]

The pandemic, natural disasters, and the expansion of the police state have made evildoing hard for other supernatural malcontents, serial killers, and super villains.

“I can’t compete with the fucking news!” said Child Murderer turned Dream Murderer turned Social Distancing Activist Freddy Krueger. “I thought the pandemic would be a great avenue for me to sneak into the nightmares of my victims, but do you know how hard it is to be a fucking respirator! Fucking hard!”

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden has renounced the endorsements given by Slenderman, the Gremlins and the Xenomorph. President Donald J. Trump has yet to denounce the endorsements from Jabba the Hut, Balrog, and The Angel of Death.

“Jabba’s a great guy–tremendous businessman. We had plenty of fun in AC in the 80s. The slavery allegations against him are fake news,” said President Trump at a campaign rally at the Bates Motel.

Editor’s Note: The article you just read was, of course, a piece of satire. As Dan Dellechiaie’s editor I must include this note at the end of every article because people lack common sense, a sense of humor, and a fashion sense and could sue Mr. Dellechiaie for telling fictional truths about them. Send all death threats, character assassinations, and love letters to 10 Dropdead Avenue, Apt. #GFY Topeka, Kansas 00000.