WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to the Senate Republicans’ resurrection of Pope John Paul II to testify on behalf of Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett, Senate Democrats resurrected Phillip de Provence, a Christian soldier who fought in the first Holy Crusade, to testify against the nomination.
“Lady Barrett is neither a true Christian nor a true defender of the Pope,” Phillip de Provence said. “She has not firmly expressed her plans as to how to truly thwart the spread of the infidels in our Holy Lands.”
In his opening statement, Provence praised the “infidel vanquishing” Middle East policies of the Bush and Obama administrations.
Provence was questioned by Sen. Mike Lee of Utah (R-Utah), who tested positive for COVID-19 last week and spoke at the hearings without wearing a mask. Senator Lee called Provence’s resurrection “another sham in the Democrats’ witch trial to destroy our great country and our great president.”
Provence responded to Sen. Lee’s question by taking out his sword and slashing the senator’s throat.
“That is what we did in my day when a plague spreader dared enter our camp,” Provence said, sheathing his sword. “Now let us commence our witch trial.”
Following reminders to dispose of his body “with haste” before the rats “feasted upon his diseased flesh” and spread the plague farther, Provence undermined the Democrats’ case by walking up to every female Senator and asking if they were a witch. If the female Senators replied in the negative, as Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.) did, Provence yelled for them to be “burned immediately before the eyes of our Lord!” Provence’s declaration was met with cheers by Senate Republicans and has been adopted as the slogan for three Republican candidates’ reelection bids.
“GREAT MAN! GREAT CHRISTIAN!” tweeted President Trump following Provence’s testimony.
Sources close to Senate Democrats say their last minute attempt to resurrect Jesus Christ has been unsuccessful.
“Even if it happens,” said an anonymous Democratic strategist, “it still won’t convince Republicans to change their minds. Not even an act of God would do that.”
CORRECTION: An earlier version of this story ran saying that the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg had won her first case with the Lord in regards to President Trump’s COVID-19 diagnosis. We learned from our Heaven and Hell correspondent that the case has been appealed by the firm of Cohen, Manafort, and Lucifer.
Editor’s Note: The article you just read was, of course, a piece of satire. As Dan Dellechiaie’s editor I must include this note at the end of every article because people lack common sense, a sense of humor, and a fashion sense and could sue Mr. Dellechiaie for telling fictional truths about them. Send all death threats, character assassinations, and love letters to 10 Dropdead Avenue, Apt. #GFY Topeka, Kansas 00000.