Local Police Chief Defends Decision to Arm School Cops with Black Hole Guns

CRAPTOWN, PA — Police Chief John “Big Blue” Peters started a town hall meeting Sunday night by defending the police department’s acquisition and distribution of thirty Black Hole Guns to its twenty-five grade school officers.

“I’m not saying the officers will need them,” Chief Peters said. “But if an incident does occur in a classroom like a student of color answering a question without raising his hand, we want to make sure the officers on the premise can help protect the teacher and neutralize the situation.”

The acquisition of the Black Hole Guns and similar acquisitions of attack helicopters, flamethrowers, and trained velociraptor clones have led to some controversy in recent months.

Residents attending the meeting cited reports from former elementary schools in Louisiana, the former state of Georgia, and the archipelago of Florida that they argued showed the school officers’ inability to properly use the Black Hole Guns.

Not all citizens were swayed by the reports.

“Have you see what a fifth grader can do?” said concerned parent Karen Winters. “I don’t want my kids to be in a school that doesn’t have firearms capable of hastening the apocalypse in it.”

When City Councilwoman Susan Standish said that she’d approve the next allocation of school funding for the next shipment of Black Hole Guns “when pigs fly”, Deputy Tuck “Little Blue” Johnson took the podium.

“Great transition, Sue,” Deputy Johnson said. “We’d like to move onto our next announcement: The Craptown Police Department’s latest acquisition: Jet Packs.”

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