Bag of Weed Tries Smoking Itself, Can’t

MOUNTAINSIDE, N.J. – According to local dealers, a bag of weed tried smoking itself Tuesday night, but couldn’t do it. “I’m too old for this shit,” said the bag of Granddaddy Purp. “Let me see if I can help with that,” said Satirist Dan Dellechiaie in an Instagram video. A missing bag of weed report has been filed with the Mountainside Police Department, though local … Continue reading Bag of Weed Tries Smoking Itself, Can’t

Cthulhu Hits Snooze Button on Reawakening, Will Awaken When He’s Not the Fourth Most Terrifying Thing Threatening the Existence of the Human Race

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Servants for Destroyer of the Universe Cthulhu told reporters Sunday morning that he has delayed his reawakening until after the COVID-19 pandemic. “The throdog ehye cthulhu ah’hri cahf hai ah nafl yar l’ emerge hup h’ y’nahh long slumber llll h’ worries cahf h’ ephainafl strike cosmic ah’lloigshogg ng lloigshogg h’ craves ph’nglui gn’bthnknythh ot shuggothh due l’ mgahehyee forces bent llll … Continue reading Cthulhu Hits Snooze Button on Reawakening, Will Awaken When He’s Not the Fourth Most Terrifying Thing Threatening the Existence of the Human Race

White House Spokesperson Claims President Trump Has Read a Book, Democrats Open Investigation

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany claimed Tuesday morning that President Trump has, for the first time during his presidency and his adult life, read a book. “President Trump finished a book last night,” said McEnany, concluding her press briefing. When reporters asked which book the President read, McEnany deflected questions and left the room. Sources in the White House say that … Continue reading White House Spokesperson Claims President Trump Has Read a Book, Democrats Open Investigation

Local White Woman No Longer Racist After Putting Black Lives Matter Sign on Front Lawn

MOUNTAINSIDE, N.J. – Local residents were shocked to learn Thursday morning that Mary Peters, 54, was incapable of being racist after putting a Black Lives Matter sign on her front lawn. “It’s like, wow, I can’t even get mad at the Black nurse who made me wait five extra minutes for my prescription,” Mrs. Leifson said. Mrs. Peters’s friends have tried to get her back … Continue reading Local White Woman No Longer Racist After Putting Black Lives Matter Sign on Front Lawn

Local Police Chief Defends Decision to Arm School Cops with Black Hole Guns

MOUNTAINSIDE, N.J. – Police Chief John “Big Blue” Peters started a town hall meeting Sunday night by defending the police department’s acquisition and distribution of thirty Black Hole Guns to its twenty-five grade school officers. “I’m not saying the officers will need them,” Chief Peters said. “But if an incident does occur in a classroom like a student of color answering a question without raising … Continue reading Local Police Chief Defends Decision to Arm School Cops with Black Hole Guns

Senate Democrats Resurrect Crusader to Serve As Character Witness in Amy Coney Barrett Confirmation Trials

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In response to the Senate Republicans’ resurrection of Pope John Paul II to testify on behalf of Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett, Senate Democrats resurrected Phillip de Provence, a Christian soldier who fought in the first Holy Crusade, to testify against the nomination. “Lady Barrett is neither a true Christian nor a true defender of the Pope,” Phillip de Provence said. … Continue reading Senate Democrats Resurrect Crusader to Serve As Character Witness in Amy Coney Barrett Confirmation Trials